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Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way.
My Way was Frank Sinatra’s theme song. The singer was the quintessential man’s man, who lived his life to the max, full out, few limits. Sheryl Sandberg‘s new book, Lean In, is stirring controversy by suggesting that women too can have it that way if they can counteract their impulse to back off and lean in instead.
Remember the movie, “What Women Want?” Helen Hunt was trying to climb the corporate ladder and Mel Gibson was determined to undermine her. It was an interesting treatment of a question that probably has as many answers as there are women to answer them. The question really shouldn’t be what do women want, but: What do you as a woman want?
And really isn’t that the point. Each woman should be fully able to choose. If that means 70-80 hour weeks and corporate success, that should be fine. If that means a different balance of work and family, that should be equally fine. The choice should be there. And each woman should get to make her own, decide if or how far to lean, for some really good reasons.
I have come to love the incredibly flawed character, Mr. Gold, in Once Upon a Time. He always reminds us, “Magic comes with a Price.” I would like to modify that just a bit for this occasion to “Life comes with a Price.”
Time at work takes time from home but can bring advancement. Price: Missing out on kid time, spouse time, or personal time. Time at home keeps the home fires burning, but too much time away from work leaves questions of commitment. Price: Impacts on promotion or prestige. The choices that are made have costs and the women who make them, and their families, are the ones who pay them. So they have to do it their way.
Can there be a balance? To be able to lean far the counterbalancing weight of family can need to be well calibrated. Can we have it all: Great marriages, well-adjusted high-achieving children, supercharged careers? Lean too far, too long, and you can lose equilibrium, tip over, lose friends, alienate family.
Or does it have to be all or nothing? Can you just lean at a 10 degree angle or must it be 45? Can leaning have a throttle and adjust to the occasion? I think that may depend on the woman, her family, and the company. And again the answers probably vary…this is not a one size fits all question. Leaning in might be a lot like walking a high wire, striking a balance may be the key, and contingent on multiple factors that sometimes change.
I haven’t worked in the corporate world, rather in non-profits, but the culture in my last agency supported educational opportunities and gave people opportunities for advancement. Working in that world was one of the choices I made. It fit for me. But I know my choice came with a price, at times, for my family.
And also with payments. Looking back I know it was the right choice. I did not make a corporate salary though I did rise to the top of my agency and I was recognized in my field. More important to me, I got to do meaningful work, develop programs that still continue, and experience fulfillment and achievement. My work was a calling. On balance I think it made me a better person, a better mother, and a better wife.
All our choices have trade offs. The trade off on the bigger life choices comes in hunks of our lives. What are they worth to you? What can you trade them for without regret? What do you need to get back for them to feel the trade was worth it?
So to lean or not to lean, that is the question. Only you can answer it for yourself. Weigh it out, pluses and minuses, count the costs, calculate the price. When in doubt remember some calculations may be right for your head but not your heart. Trust yourself. Then chart your course, and do it your way. I know you can. You know how to calculate priceless.
Related articles
- ERIN CALLAN: I Want To Be A Cautionary Tale – Don’t ‘Lean In’ The Way I Did (businessinsider.com)
- 10 Reasons Why You Should Read “Lean In” By Sheryl Sandberg ! (shestrives.com)
If you wanna hear my story,
In my social work years I attended a workshop where one activity made use of Jean Isley Clarke’s work on the affirmations needed for healthy development. Ms. Clarke wrote Growing Up Again with Connie Dawson defining these Stages of Childhood: Becoming, Pregnancy to 6 Months; Being, 6 Months to 18 Months; Doing, 18 Months to Age 3: Thinking, 3 – 6; Identity and Power, 6 -12; Skill and Structure, 12 – 19; and Adulthood: Integration and Regeneration and the positive messages needed at every stage for growth. Working with people to reintegrate missed affirmations, we were told, could help those adults who had not been given these messages of support from their parents during their childhood.
The workshop leader gave out Ms. Clarke’s Affirmations. We were to select one. Then the participants formed two circles, one inside the other, facing inward. The people in the outside circle were to lean into the ear of the person in front of them in the inner circle and repeat the affirmation they had selected. Soft music played. Then they were to move round the circle repeating their chosen affirmation to the next person, then the next.
Then, it was my turn to move into the inner circle. People began to whisper their chosen affirmation into my ear. I liked all the affirmations, but was surprised by my reaction to one affirmation several people chose from the earliest stage, the stage of Becoming: “I’m Glad You’re Alive.”
Every day I worked as a social worker I met those who were starved to know them, and would stay in abusive situations on the chance that someday they would have them. Without them, all too often, people chase after the nearest imitations. For some that is power, or money, drugs, or sex. But substitutions are temporary, empty, and leave the soul still searching.
“Emerson said ‘Do you love me’ means ‘Do you see the truth I see?’ Or at least,” C.S. Lewis added, “do you care about that truth as I do.”
Do you have moments when reading a book, or even just a sentence, crystallizes an idea or brings something in your life into such sharp focus that it is like you understand it for the first time? This sentence was one of those ‘ah ha’ life perspective moments. It made me think. And like many thoughts, it wasn’t totally a brand new perspective, more a clarifying confirmation.
The best explanation of this may come from another quote by 
We come from such opposite experiences. Doug is from the quintessential American family: WASP, 
More important it was the same truth: that the two of us felt we were put into the world to try to leave it a better place, that God had a purpose for us, a call to reach out to others, and we wanted to live it. To Dream the Impossible Dream… together.
On the second day we spent together we discussed the meaning of life, and we knew in that moment we would spend our lives together. It has always seemed miraculous. It was certainly powerful, intense, and virtually instantaneous. And we both felt it was something ordained to be, a part of God’s plan for us, but not something easily understood by anyone other than us. At least I thought that until I read Lewis’ quote. Certainly he and 
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